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      1. 最苦的时光是独行

        推荐人:华音流韶 来源: 网友推荐 时间: 2015-05-06 11:43 阅读:
        最苦的时光是独行
        高二分班选择了文科之后的前半个学期十分顺利,我的成绩始终保持在年级前四名左右,可好景不长,之后的整个高二,我都处在一种极其低迷的状态。

          也说不清具体是什么原因,也许是不得当的学习方法最终显出弊病,也许是连轴转的学习让我没时间好好沉淀反思,我的成绩一直徘徊在年级十五名左右,这种被动的状态几乎持续了整整一个学年。

          我深知,以当时的成绩是肯定考不进北大的。而那个时候我又总是很在意他人的眼光,连续几次考试都徘徊在年级前十名之外让我开始胡思乱想,有时候觉得老师的关注重点好像都从我身上转移走了,有时候又觉得大家一定暗暗认定我从此就只能如此了,更有时候连自己都想自暴自弃。

          更让我郁闷的是,弟弟的势头一直很好,八次考试总排名第一,在高三开始之前就获得了去北大夏令营的唯一名额。去夏令营之前,他还贱兮兮地留给我一封信,名字叫《想想为什么去的不是你》。

          我看完信被气得要死,恨不得把这小子从北大拉回来暴打一顿来“报答”他。直到现在,我们俩仍然乐此不疲地以此互相调侃,比如每次有女生送礼物给我,我都会故意打趣小豪:“想想为什么送的不是你?”或者我的微博粉丝增加得很快,我就对他说:“想想为什么涨的不是你?”

          那时候我们寄宿在一对老人家里。每天晚上回家,都想着争分夺秒地看书写作业,一分一秒都不想放过??苫梆熳雍酪惶榫兔煌昝涣说馗伊奶?,每次都逼得我指着他说:“闭嘴。”静不下来还爱赖皮的他总是可怜兮兮地说:“行行行,哥,你听我把这句话说完,我就安静学习不打扰你了。”

          但是可能吗?这个多动症患者每次安静不过一分钟,就又开始找话题聊开了,而且每次他自己都乐得人仰马翻??醋潘歉鄙笛?,叫人不笑都不行。

          他学习好,晚上聊一会儿天写几道题就睡觉了。而我为了每天完成自己安排的学习计划,只能推后睡觉的时间,在他睡了之后,一个人做题背书到凌晨一两点钟。

          深夜的屋子里安静得可以听见秒针转动的声音,隔壁简陋的厕所里水龙头滴水的声音,以及我心底的那份煎熬和挣扎。睡不着的时候,我总会望着黑暗中的天花板发呆。我曾经也是年级排名前几名的佼佼者,我曾经也备受众人瞩目,我曾经也总给同学们讲学习方法,我曾经也拿过一等奖奖学金,我曾经……

          可是这一切却再也不属于我,我的心里有苦难言,这样的烦恼和焦灼我甚至不知道要对谁说。除了弟弟,这些事我还可以说给谁听呢?

          可同时我又觉得难以启齿。每次走到他跟前,我都犹豫再三,转几个圈也说不到点上。即使说了,也觉得毫无意义。因为虽然他每次都很认真地听,说他感同身受,但是我依然觉得他是佼佼者,不能体会我的心境。这些心事,只有我一个人懂。

          那阵子每天在学校的食堂吃完饭,一回到家里我就马不停蹄地看书。有时候寄宿的人家开着电视或者来了客人比较吵,我就站在楼下背书。天津是一个靠海的城市,未至盛夏的时候,湿润的海风吹来,天气还算舒服。

          我清楚地记得,那时候天很蓝,瓦砾墙被阳光晒得明亮温暖,风把手中的课本吹起几页,又被我静静地按下,头顶上的电线错乱有致,几只小鸟站在上面,看着我一页一页地背书。在那个狭小的胡同里,我常常一站就是两个多钟头。

          那段日子里,我心中真的有一种说不出的落寞和孤独,有时候觉得根本没有人懂我的挫败感,仿佛只有我一个人在痛苦中跋涉。我极其渴望自己能够重新站起来,但无论怎么努力,都无济于事。

          一个人感受着凌晨三点钟空气中的肃静,一个人体味傍晚六点操场上的汗臭味,一个人走在风景十年如一日的上学路上,一个人偷偷拉扯着那份粘稠而灰暗的心情。

          是我还不够努力吗?每天早上五点准时到学校上自习,课间很少离开座位,中午也很少午休,大课间站在班级门口的窗户旁背书,活动课跑到图书馆做题……我觉得自己真的已经做到了全力以赴,已经比以前成绩好的时候更努力了不知多少倍,但成绩还是毫无起色。每次考试,都是失误,失误。

          本学期的期末统考,我决定不给自己留任何退路,再拼一次。

          我投入更多精力准备考试,课本被我翻烂了边角,每天吃饭仅用十分钟,放弃了几乎所有课间休息时间,每晚都熬夜学习到很晚。有时候喝咖啡不能解困了,我就开始学网上的做法干吃咖啡粉,困就开始举哑铃;在学校,课间站在空调下面吹冷风背书防困,连做早操的时候都要在心里背诵重点;吃完晚饭要去泡图书馆;课间要以最快速度跑到办公室问老师问题。

          我觉得我已经把能做的做到了极限,于是在精心地准备了一个月后,这场对我而言意义重大的期末统考来了。

          那次期末统考的题目很简单,我很有把握,信心很足??纪晔哉惶煳叶汲两谙苍弥?,一个月来我第一次放松地和同学说笑。三天之后,成绩出来了,当我看到自己的名字又一次出现在第十五名的位置时,我尴尬地和旁边拥挤上来看成绩的同学笑了笑,低着头从人群中挤出来,默默地走开了。

          又是没有任何起色,我想不明白。

          那天晚上我大哭了一场,是真的大哭。

          我一直觉得男孩子不应该哭鼻子,有时压力大的时候我选择跑步或者听音乐来转移坏情绪,但这次考试成绩终于击溃了我最后一道防线。我觉得一切都完了,结束了,再没有可能了。不管我再怎么努力、用心,我都不可能再考好了。我哭得很丢人,也很彻底。

          那个晚上哭完了以后,我做了我人生中最丢脸的事情——心悦诚服地去找子豪请教,问他能不能和我讲一下学习方法。

          他当时的第一反应是错愕,因为我一直很固执,不喜欢听他的建议。之后很快他就摆出架子,从头到尾把我训得几乎一无是处。虽然事后我很想揍他一顿,但当时我心里却没有一丝的不服。那是我第一次请教他有关学习的事,我迫切地想改变没成果的学习方法,想改变自己。

          或许我是真的怕了——不是怕自己不够争气,而是怕再也改变不了现状。

          作者:苑子

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